The 2014 Melbourne Cabaret Festival Gala Opening.

I have a confession – I am a “Cabaret Bitch” – The Fabulous Candice McQueen (London star Spanky) spotted it last night. Mind you, he spotted that the entire audience were also “Cabaret Bitches” and not one of us could deny it.

This Gala Opening to the Cabaret Festival is certainly the best in the past four years. Every act (there were 10 of them) was marvellous, making the choices of what to see more difficult than ever.

Spanky (in his alter ego Candice McQueen) is an acquired taste and a little too full on “Gay club” for some of the audience, but no-one could deny he is a terrific performer, and a great choice as compere. He also has an excellent voice and his version of  ‘My Love is a Revolver’ with Melbourne’s super talented Robert Tropolino was worth the trip. However, his seduction of Adrian, the Mayor of Stonnington, was hilarious.

Ginger and Tonic, an a capella group where all four girls have excellent voices, gave us a taste of their Desperate and Dateless cabaret show, including an hilarious song about stalking. Put them on your must see list.

What can you say about Melissa Langton except...if you don’t know her work, why not? She was named ‘one of the top shows of 2013’ last year, and this year’s show – A Singer Must Die – promises to be hilarious from the excerpt that we saw. Langton is not only funny but has vocal chops that would be the envy of anyone. An absolute powerhouse of a performer.

If you’re an Eva Cassidy fan then Alana Conway’s Songbird offers beautiful singing and harp playing. A truly talented performer with a beautiful voice.

Amanda Harrison is a familiar name to all Music Theatre goers. She was the original Elphaba in the Australian production of Wicked, where she blew all of our minds with her rendition of Defying Gravity. She still has all of her music theatre style, which is a little at odds with some of the acts who are pure cabaret, but this time she is Up Close and Reasonably Personal as she talks about her addiction to Target, and the unglamorous lifestyle of a leading lady. And then there’s that voice, which is to die for.

Geraldine Quinn (pictured top) is a super-talent. That is indisputable. Her delivery is spot on, her facial expressions elastic, and her voice is spectacular. So the idea of us all singing 80s Karaoke along with someone who doesn’t actually know the lyrics is irresistible. Like most of us, Geraldine knows the first line and a few odd words of songs like “Sunglasses at Night” – the rest is anybody’s guess. A very cleverly conceived show that I predict will be standing room only.

Someone doing a tribute to Lucille Ball? Everybody Loves Lucy? Surely not… Lucille Ball was Unique, how could anyone do her justice? Well Elise McCann comes pretty damn close. Another artist with a killer voice, McCann understands the ‘clown’ that was Lucy, and her first piece, though not original, is hysterically funny. (Image: Blueprint Studios)

Read Neil Litchfield's Review of the Sydney season.

Michael Dalley is one of our top cabaret performers, and it’s easy to see why. Suave, debonair and all those other Noel Coward-ish words, Michael crosses the line so many times without giving real offence, he does it with such finesse. If you haven’t heard “Shit Art of the Mornington Peninsula” or “The C word’s Back in Town” prepare yourself to laugh long and loud. Looking for all the world like a bank manager, Dalley embodies the words Brilliant Cabaret Performer.

The Beautiful Losers present Despite Popular Demand (pictured below). This insanely funny trio promises to be the highlight of the festival. The lyrics are dark, anarchic, somewhat intellectual (does the younger audience understand who Kerouac was?) and full of double entendre. All three play instruments (including some terrific jazz piano and air washboard) and manage to be offensive without actually offending. Any one of the three songs they presented would be worth the price of the ticket, but the little ditty about a sweet little cat had people falling off their seats. Be quick for this one. It would be tragic to miss them.

Finally, a surprise offering, and one of great charm and inspiration, not to mention considerable talent. Matthew Mitcham’s Twists and Turns is his foray into cabaret, new this year and already an award winner at the Perth Fringe Festival. This great Olympic gold medal athlete is a terrific singer and raconteur with a charismatic yet humble presence on stage. Who knew? Scripted by Spanky, with MD Jeremy Brennan, and directed by Nigel Turner-Carroll, the show takes us from Mitchell’s childhood as the odd kid who used to hide in the dunny and use one sheet of toilet paper at a time…through his triumphs and downfalls. This promises to be the major hit of the festival.

It was a fabulous teaser of a night…and these are just the shows at Chapel off Chapel. Remember that there are five other venues, all showing great new shows. Make the effort over the next two weeks. After all, Life is a……okay, okay, I KNOW you know the rest.

Coral Drouyn