Heart of Darkness

Anthony Locascio is an amiable, engaging guy.  The Companion remarked that with his mobile face and likeability he could be an ideal cinema or television actor. 

Meanwhile, his forte is stand-up and telling stories.  In this show, he says, he’ll tell us ‘the worst things he’s ever done.’  Why?  Because he also wants to prove to us that someone who has done bad things - as he has - can still be redeemed and find true and enduring love - as he has with Zoë, the love of his life. 

Exploring this idea, he asks couples in the audience how long they’ve been together.  He asks one couple if they’re married.  Answer: no.  So how long have they been together.  The woman answers, ‘Thirty years.’  How have they stayed together that long?  The man says, ‘Always say “yes”.’  The woman confirms, ‘Yep, he always says “yes”.’  Apparently, that was not the answer Locascio was expecting (too funny?) - and he desisted from that line of enquiry… 

And he tells us stories.  A holiday in Bali with Zoë where they go to the monkey sanctuary and the alpha-male monkey attacks him.  Uh-huh.  What happened to Zoë?  How he’s half-Greek, half-Italian and that confuses the racists at his all-boys private school, so they abuse him as a ‘Lebo’ – but that’s ridiculous because there are no Lebanese at the school – but if he denied being a ‘Lebo’, that’d be racist because what’s wrong with being Lebanese? 

How his father never taught him to masturbate (interesting concept?) – except to take him to a movie in which a character masturbates.  That’s it.  What follows that anecdote is a long-ish sequence about masturbation and the idiosyncratic method Locascio discovered – and used for many, many years – involving flat surfaces, especially bathroom tiles and the grouted grooves between them…  Culminating in doing it on the spotless, gleaming bathroom tiles at his grandmother’s wake. 

Problem with this sequence?  So what?  Minor shock value, but not too believable and it can’t really be one of ‘the worst things he’s ever done’, and it’s not too funny.  No punchline.  No capper. 

That is the problem with Heart of Darkness.  By the way, reference to Conrad’s famous story is not a good idea.  Locascio’s stories are vivid, well told and we want to know what happens next – such as when he confronts a school bully with an open Swiss Army knife in his blazer pocket.  But the stories tend to just… end.  Plus, if these stories are about ‘the worst things he’s ever done’, they’re really not that terrible; he’s led an almost blameless life, and the road to redemption is not that long. 

He does add a distinction between being a small dick guy and a big dick guy and how that difference shapes a guy’s self-confidence and self-image.  He tells us that after years of thinking he was a small dick guy he learned he’s actually a big dick guy…  Yes?  And?  The secret to his relationship with Zoë?

The second half of the show was relaxed, pleasant, but there seemed to be no jokes at all.  We listened, it wasn’t boring, but we weren’t laughing.    

The strange thing is that Locascio has been doing comedy since 2017.  He’s won awards, he’s been highly praised, and he’s worked with big names.  Right at the end, he apologised, confessing that he’d had a bit of gastro that day…  So, professional that he is, he knew that that night the show was a little flat.  He’s a nice guy; he and Zoë are happy.  Maybe next time.

Michael Brindley

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